The Pocket Book of Death Read online

  How much time do you have? Generally about five days to two weeks from your first contact.

  Death numbers are still extremely low. In a nine-year period, 23 people have been killed by Naegleria fowleri … not a big number in the grand scheme of death. Around two people a year. But nearly all attacks have been fatal, and in 2007 so far, at least six people have died from encounters with the deadly amoeba. The worry is that the global temperature increases will only make the situation worse.

  What’s the best way to avoid ’em? Avoid stagnant waters and get some nose plugs!

  ‘IS IT TREATABLE?’

  Other Weird Animal Stuff

  Scientists recently discovered that the dinosaur Deinonychus antirrhopus (or ‘terrible claw’) and several other dinosaur species engaged in cannibalism. But they weren’t just chomping down on the uptight neighbour next door. These guys were eating members of their own family. Komodo dragons also engage in cannibalism.

  Some people believe that elephants can die of broken hearts. In South Asia, two female elephants became inseparable at the Prince of Wales Zoo. When the younger pregnant elephant died during childbirth, the older elephant cried over her friend’s body and then stopped eating until she collapsed about a month later. Mother elephants have also been seen carrying around the bodies of their dead babies, unable to deal with the loss.

  They might look adorable in those Coke™ advertisments, but don’t expect a fuzzy hug if you run into a polar bear. One smack from his giant paw can leave you feeling as ‘lightheaded’ as you would with a trip to the guillotine.

  The Deathwatch Beetle attracts its mate by hitting his head on a wooden surface which makes the ‘ticking’ sound that some people believe is a warning of death. Ah, chivalry!

  Animals aren’t the only thing that can kill you. The Death Cap is the most poisonous mushroom known to man. It causes hepatitis and liver failure in humans, and just one of these guys has enough poison to kill you. Bottom line … stay away from the ’shrooms.

  Urban Myths about Death

  ‘The report of my death was an exaggeration.’

  Mark Twain, after reading in the paper that he had died

  Walt Disney – Fire or Ice?

  Walt Disney did not have his body frozen (cryogenically preserved). Mickey’s creator was cremated just two days after his death in late 1966 and given a burial plot in Forest Lawn Memorial Park, the same place where you can find the likes of Humphrey Bogart, Sammy Davis, Jr., Jean Harlow and George Burns.

  The Weight of the Soul … 21 Grams?

  At the beginning of the twentieth century, a doctor in Massachusetts set out to prove that the weight loss experienced by humans upon death was actually the weight of the human soul as it left the body. Dr MacDougall would put dying patients on a scale to measure their weight loss at the moment of expiration. The first patient who died reportedly lost 21.3 grams which is how the urban myth began. The doctor only tested six patients to prove his belief, and the weight fluctuation experienced by these patients varied considerably. It’s widely accepted that the theory has no scientific backing, but for some reason the concept that a soul weighs 21 grams has stuck around for the better part of 100 years … even spawning the title of the 2003 movie.

  ‘21 KILOGRAMS? HE MUST HAVE EATEN A TON OF SOUL FOOD!’

  Blazing Saddles – the Death of Catherine the Great

  Much as people love the scandalous intrigue of Catherine the Great accidentally getting crushed to death while attempting sexual relations with a mighty stallion, this is an urban myth. Cat actually suffered a stroke while in the bathroom and died the following day. Actual cause of death? Cerebral haemorrhage. Though she did indeed have many human lovers.

  ‘THIS ISN’T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.’

  The origin of ‘Taps’ has numerous urban legends attached to it. The most popular story is that a father, Captain Robert Ellicombe, fighting for the Union during the Civil War, requested the tune to be played for his dead son, who had fought for the Confederacy army. The distressed Captain had discovered his son’s body on the battlefield and found a piece of paper in his pocket with a series of musical notes on it. He requested that the notes be played by the bugler at his son’s funeral. The lone bugler of course complied, and the haunting tune that resulted, of course, was ‘Taps’. Heart-wrenching as it sounds, this is an urban myth. The Department of Veterans Affairs tells us that ‘Taps’ was adapted by Daniel Butterfield, Commander of the Third Brigade, from an earlier tune called ‘Tattoo’.

  Wanted – Macabre Manicurist

  In a culture obsessed with beauty, we’re actually surprised no one has started offering services to groom corpses in the years after death. Or maybe we just haven’t stumbled on the advertisement yet. Or perhaps it’s because your hair and nails don’t actually grow after you’ve died. Your skin recedes because of dehydration, and this is what causes the appearance of longer hair and nails. But imagine what a deep conditioning and some sparkly rhinestones could do to brighten up that pale complexion!

  Pop Rocks and Soda

  Even if you drink a six-pack of Pepsi™ and swallow a whole package of the carbonated candy Pop Rocks, your stomach will not explode. If your stomach hurts at all after this, it’s probably because you’ve ingested enough sugar to knock out a 300-pound sumo wrestler. Oh, and little Mikey from those Life cereal ads did not die from this either.

  ‘GRENADES AND SODA WORK A LOT BETTER.’

  Mentos® and Diet coke®

  There has been no legitimate documentation confirming that anyone has died while washing down Mentos® with Diet Coke® (or any other carbonated beverage for that matter). Though let’s face it, we wouldn’t advise trying it … those YouTube videos of the Mentos geysers are nothing short of fascinating.

  They All Fall Down …

  Though we know thousands of you were devastated to hear that ‘Ring-Around-A-Rosy’ was a chant about the Black Death (‘rosy’ referring to the red spots which victim plagues sported, ‘posies’ referring to the flowers people thought would ward off the disease, and ‘all fall down’ referring to certain death), but we are happy to report that your childhood memories can stay unmarred. There is no concrete evidence to suggest that this is anything more than a harmless children’s chant.

  Cutting Edge Death

  ‘If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the UP button.’

  Sam Levensen

  Think Outside the Box

  With our obsession to ‘personalize’ every part of our life from monogrammed handbags and Betty Boop checkbooks to the more permanent art of tattooing, it’s no surprise that people are opting out of the traditional casket and choosing to spend eternity in something a little bit more their style. Here are our picks for the top ten funniest caskets:

  The Cell Phone Casket

  so you can continue to be that annoying cell phone guy for years to come.

  The Beer Bottle Casket

  just in case there were a few people left who didn’t know you were a raging alcoholic.

  The Holy Bible Casket

  a bribe for the big guy upstairs.

  The Spring Onion Casket

  to keep away grave robbers.

  The Cigarette Casket

  at least this one won’t kill you.

  The Chili Pepper Casket

  if you didn’t think cremation was hot enough.

  The Motorcycle Casket

  for the quick getaway.

  The Red Bull Casket

  in case you need a boost for the funeral procession.

  The Kit-Kat Casket

  Gimme a break … a very long one.

  And our favourite coffin design? An ordinary light brown coffin that appears wrapped with string and marked ‘Return to Sender’. Now that’s ingenuity.

  You can check out loads of different ‘fantasy’ coffins at the National Museum of Funeral History in Houston, Texas.

  THE BUDGET COFFIN LIMITED TIME OFFER

  The ‘Burping’ casket<
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  One of the biggest fears with death is the underground experience. No one really relishes the thought of being exposed to the elements or the wonderful little critters that live underground. That’s exactly how hermetically sealed coffins came into existence. No air gets in, no air gets out. Brilliant, right? Well, except for the fact that a build-up of gases (specifically methane gas in this case) in an oxygen-free environment can cause pressure. Pressure that eventually leads to exploding coffins. And the bodies inside those coffins don’t preserve very well, either. So-called ‘burping’ caskets have one-way seals that release gases from inside the coffin to prevent the startling reappearance of a putrefied relative. But don’t be deceived into thinking this will preserve your loved one. Costco sells coffins (yes, you heard us correctly), and here’s what they have to say on their website about caskets with sealing devices:

  ‘There is no scientific evidence or other evidence that any casket with a sealing device will preserve human remains.’

  So you might be decomposed beyond recognition, but at least you won’t have any bugs on you.

  Paranoid Much?

  The fear of being buried alive is nothing new. From coffins that feature a bell which the deceased can ring should they suddenly wake up to air tube systems in coffins, paranoia can prompt remarkable streaks of creativity. But paranoia (or realism, depending on your view) isn’t limited to the days of old. Fabrizio Caselli designed a safety coffin in 1995 which features a two-way microphone speaker, an oxygen tank, a flashlight, a heart stimulator, and a beeper to notify a monitoring station. It debuted at $4,500.

  Green Is the New Black

  So maybe you’re not entirely comfortable leaking formaldehyde and other harmful embalming toxins into the ground after you’ve kicked it. Or maybe the non-degradable steel casket is a bit much when the only things that can appreciate the durable construction will be your multi-legged neighbors six feet under. Green funerals are a fast-growing trend in the world, particularly in England, which already has hundreds of green cemeteries. Ready to do your part?

  The first ‘green’ cemetery in the US was the Ramsey Creek Preserve in South Carolina. In order to be buried here, you cannot be embalmed and you must be buried within 24 to 36 hours of your death. Unless someone puts you on ice, of course.

  If you want to get buried in a casket at Ramsey, it must be bio-degradable (either plain wood or cardboard). You can also be buried in a shroud.

  The grave site can be found on a GPS navigational system and can be marked with a newly planted tree, shrub or wildflower. Or if you want, choose a rock from the preserve and engrave it to mark the site of your loved one.

  Why Go Green?

  With the bare bones cost of a funeral skyrocketing upward of $6,000, green funerals are a cheaper option. According to the Ramsey Creek price list, a traditional green burial will run you around $2,000. If you just want your ashes buried, it’s only around $500.

  Cremation is also cheaper than the traditional American burial, but it’s been targeted for questionable emissions. Some of the older cremation facilities use twice as much energy as the newer ones, and there is a lot of controversy and debate about the toxins that are released when a body is cremated.

  Feeling guilty? Maybe the amount of hairspray you used in the 1980s was the sole cause of the gaping hole in the ozone. Or maybe the enormous black Hummer you drive to your desk job might not have been an entirely necessary purchase. And let’s face it, there’s probably never been a more literal interpretation for ‘last chance’.

  Or maybe you just aren’t comfortable with all the props and accessories associated with funerals – the make-up, the costume, the director (funeral, that is). Green funerals are naturally more intimate, and if it’s preserving land and wildlife at the same time, then bring on the shroud!

  Virtual Sympathy

  Can’t make it to the funeral? As long as you have an internet connection, you might be able to tune in live. A growing trend in the funeral industry is to allow friends and family to watch the funeral online. Using webcam technology, you can watch the funeral, memorial, and burial services through a live feed. So if you live in another city or another country, or if you just work for a tyrant who won’t give you the morning off, you can still be a part of the service.

  Just check with your local funeral home to see if they have the technology necessary. And though thousands can watch the funeral if needed, passwords will help protect unwanted guests from tuning in.

  You can also email your condolences to the family, post pictures or view online memorials. Though many people in the funeral industry have criticized these ‘virtual sympathy’ notes as impersonal or even tacky, the number of funeral homes adding an ‘email condolences’ feature on their website is growing.

  Last Words to Laugh by & Amusing Epitaphs

  Last Words to Laugh By

  Whenever you read about a person’s ‘last words,’ you should take it with a grain of salt. They’re pretty tough to verify since there usually aren’t many people around, and just like the game ‘Telephone’ words get switched, replaced, embellished … well, you get the picture. Here are a few which gave us a chuckle.

  ‘How were the circus receipts today at Madison Square Garden?’

  P. T. Barnum, of Barnum & Bailey Circus

  ‘Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies.’

  Voltaire, when asked by a priest to renounce Satan

  ‘Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.’

  Pancho Villa

  ‘I am in a duel to the death with

  this wallpaper. One of us has to go.’

  Oscar Wilde

  ‘I knew it. I knew it. Born in a hotel room – and God damn it – died in a hotel room.’

  Eugene O’Neill

  ‘Drink to me.’

  Pablo Picasso

  ‘Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough!’

  Karl Marx

  ‘Am I dying or is this my birthday?’

  Lady Astor (upon waking up and seeing her entire family gathered around her bed)

  Amusing Epitaphs

  ‘Excuse me, I can’t stand up.’

  Groucho Marx

  Buried in Eden Memorial Park,

  Los Angeles, California

  ‘There goes the neighborhood.’

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Buried in Westwood Memorial Park,

  Los Angeles, CA

  ‘That’s all, folks.’

  Mel Blanc, the man who voiced the

  cartoon character Porky Pig

  Hollywood Forever,

  Los Angeles, CA

  ‘Good friend for Jesus sake forbeare,

  To dig the dust enclosed here.

  Blessed be the man that spares these stones,

  And cursed be he that moves my bones.’

  Shakespeare

  Buried in Stratford, England

  ‘Free your body and soul

  Unfold your powerful wings

  Climb up the highest mountain

  Kick your feet up in the air

  You may now live forever

  Or return to this earth

  Unless you feel good where you are.’

  John Laird McCaffrey

  Buried in Montreal

  (Don’t get the significance? Check out the first letter of each line, and find out how incredibly well liked Mr McCaffrey must have been.)

  ‘In loving memory of my beloved son, murdered by a traitor and coward whose name is not worthy to appear here.’

  The outlaw Jesse James

  Buried in his mother’s back yard

  ‘She did it the hard way.’

  Bette Davis

  Buried in Forest Lawn Hollywood Hills,

  Los Angeles, CA

  Bizarre Browsing

  These are just a few of the bizarrely fascinating websites we came across during some of our research, and we wanted to share the laughs.

>   www.deathclock.com

  Find out the date you’re going to die! Just by answering a few questions, you can discover the date of your inevitable departure.

  MORGAN ‘I NEED TO QUIT SMOKING’ REILLY, 17 OCTOBER 2048

  JOANNA ‘I’M GOING TO LIVE FOREVER’ TEMPEST, 16 MAY 2059

  www.energyfiend.com/death-by-caffeine

  Ever wonder how much caffeine you’d have to consume before it killed you? Now you can find out. First pick your vice on energyfiend.com (be it Jolt Cola, Brewed Coffee, Nestea Iced Tea, etc.) and enter your weight. Then click ‘Kill Me’ to figure out how much you can consume of your caffeinated vice before it kills you.

  Energyfiend claims Morgan can have 267.31 cans of Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi before she’s ‘pushing up daises.’

  www.findagrave.com

  You can search for over 18 million grave records and find out details on where people are buried, how they died, and more. Famous and non-famous alike are represented here, and you can even leave a virtual sympathy note and flowers for the deceased.

  www.cash4cadavers.com

  Featuring the tag-line We Aren’t Dead … Yet you can probably get a pretty good idea what this website is up to. In a nutshell, you’re betting on who is going to die next. Each team chips in $20 and picks 20 celebrities they think will die in the upcoming year. The celeb in question has a point value based on the number of people who chose them (it’s a low point value if everyone thinks you’re going to kick it), and the team who has the highest number of points at the end wins the pot. Who are these people?!