The Pocket Book of Death Read online

  Loggers

  Working with massive trees and industrial equipment in a remote area spells trouble.

  Farmers and Ranchers

  Most fatalities on farms are usually due to some kind of machinery accident. And since farms are in rural areas, it might not be easy to jet over to the emergency room for a quick fix.

  Work Woes

  In 2006, Texas had the highest number of work-related deaths, followed by California and Florida.

  Suicides and assaults at the workplace comprised 13 per cent of all work-related fatalities in 2006. Don’t worry too much about Bob from accounting suddenly going berserk though. Many of the homicides reflected in these numbers stemmed from robberies.

  The majority of workplace deaths happen to men – a whopping 92 per cent of all fatalities in 2006 were male.

  Of course not everyone that has an accident at work dies. In 2005, there were:

  Over 6,000 chemical burns

  Over 17,000 heat burns

  Over 500,000 sprains and strains

  Nearly 100,000 fractures

  Over 8,000 amputations

  And a hell of a lot of employees’ compensation to be paid!

  In China, the third most dangerous job is being a reporter. China imprisons more reporters than any other country.

  ‘LOOKS LIKE A PRETTY NASTY SWORD INFECTION.’

  Something Fishy Going On: Celebrity Deaths

  ‘If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.’

  George Bernard Shaw

  We took a look at the scandals surrounding some of the celebrity deaths over the years and decided to give you our, ahem, expert opinions as to what seems … well, fishy.

  Fish Icon System

  Something smells slightly fishy, but it’s probably just the tuna fish sandwich you made last night.

  There is definitely some kind of scandal here, but it’s likely just salmon and not the shark you thought it was.

  You either took a bath in the lobster tank at a Chinese restaurant or things are not adding up.

  All right, the Atlantic Ocean smells less fishy than this case.

  Marilyn Monroe

  The Facts

  Marilyn probably died on 4 August 1962, though the police weren’t contacted until the early morning of 5 August. She was only 36 years old. At first glance it looked like a simple suicide, but the facts of the case left a lot of folks scratching their heads and wondering … was she murdered?

  Was it the CIA, the mob, the Kennedys or just depression that killed Marilyn? We’ll never know, but there were other oddities about the case to warrant three fish.

  Suicide?

  Marilyn relied heavily on barbiturates and took other prescription drugs regularly.

  She was reportedly depressed about Bobby Kennedy ending his affair with her.

  She wasn’t showing up to film her movie Something’s Got to Give because of random bouts of illness and depression, and she would frequently forget her lines when she did show up.

  Or Murder?

  She supposedly took over forty capsules of Nembutol, a barbiturate sedative, but there were no traces of the drug or the trademark yellow dye in her stomach (only in her bloodstream). Hmmm …

  There were no liquids in the room, and liquids would be essential to swallowing that number of pills. There were also no syringe marks found on her body. Sounding fishy …

  The amount she supposedly took would have been enough to kill several people. Getting fishier …

  Her housekeeper, reportedly the only person in the house when Marilyn overdosed, has changed the details of the night’s events several times. Oh my …

  Marilyn had supposedly threatened to hold a press conference to expose her affairs with the Kennedy brothers. Downright suspect!

  Our conclusion: Marilyn was tired of being a sex symbol and having her heart broken by every man that came within ten feet of her. She had a sex change operation and is currently managing a run-down bar in Minnesota called Please Stop Playing ‘Candle In the Wind’.

  Elvis Presley

  The Facts

  Elvis Presley died on 16 August 1977 in his bathroom at Graceland in Tennessee. He was 42 years old. With the weight issues, sedentary lifestyle and rumoured drug addictions, his death didn’t seem incredibly suspect until the lies began …

  Heart Attack?

  Elvis’s weight problems and passion for fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches were pretty well-documented.

  Elvis had become addicted to a colourful cocktail of different prescription drugs.

  He was reportedly depressed about his physical appearance and had an increasing paranoia about the public’s view of him.

  By the supposed end, he barely left his home at Graceland. He wasn’t performing well, and numerous shows had to be cancelled because of his ill health.

  Though it was originally thought that the coroner had lied about the cause of Elvis’s death to hide his drug addiction, when the autopsy report was ‘unsealed’ in 1994, it stated that there was no evidence to support death by drugs.

  Or Is He Still Alive?

  It is rumored that a man named Jon Burrows paid cash for a one-way ticket to Buenos Aires mere hours after the announcement that Elvis was dead. ‘Jon Burrows’ was an alias that Elvis had frequently used in the past when he was traveling.

  On Elvis’s grave, his name is not spelled correctly. It reads ‘Elvis Aaron Presley’ even though the correct spelling is ‘Elvis Aron Presley’. The name was incorrect on his birth certificate as well, but his parents went to great lengths to make sure the certificate was corrected to reflect the proper spelling. Why would the Presley family let the mistake slide on the final memorial?

  Do we have to mention the number of sightings?

  ‘LOOK! ELVIS IS TRYING TO LEAVE THE BUILDING!’

  Our conclusion: Elvis Presley, aka Juan Burrows, went to a small detox clinic in Buenos Aires, lost 50 pounds, and became the driving force behind the ‘7-Minute Abs’ phenomenon. He’s currently sipping protein shakes and counting his pesos by a pool in Mar del Plata.

  Kurt Cobain

  The Facts

  On 8 April 1994, Kurt Cobain, lead singer of Nirvana, was found dead in his Seattle home.

  The body was discovered by an electrician.

  He had a gun shot wound in his head.

  A gun and suicide note were found next to his body.

  Is this the straightforward case of suicide it seems or is something fishy going on? According to private investigator Tom Grant:

  Kurt was just about to divorce wife Courtney Love.

  One of the singer’s credit cards was missing when the body was found – it was being used up until the body was found.

  The shotgun wasn’t checked for fingerprints until a month after the body was discovered.

  There was a second note clearly stating that he was leaving his wife and the city. There was no mention of ending his life.

  There was three times the lethal heroin dose in his blood … if he had injected himself with the heroin, would he have been capable of shooting himself in the head? Also, why would he feel the need to kill himself twice – once with an overdose and once with a gunshot?

  Phew … we can hardly breathe it smells so fishy in here.

  Our conclusion: it’s just hard to make the case for Cobain still being alive. He was found by an electrician, not by a family member or friend who could have aided in a cover-up. Plus he suffered a shotgun blast and a heroin overdose … a tough thing to fake or survive. Instead we’re banking that Cobain gets reincarnated as a Tibetan monk with a phobia of needles and a penchant for crafting novellas.

  Tupac Shakur

  The Facts

  On 7 September 1996, Tupac was struck by 4 bullets in a drive-by shooting in Las Vegas after attending a Mike Tyson boxing match. Tupac was riding in the passenger seat of a car being driven by Marion ‘Suge’ Knight.

  He was taken to a local hospit
al where he underwent two operations – one which required putting him in a medically induced coma to remove his right lung.

  He died on September 13 1996 from respiratory failure and cardiopulmonary arrest.

  The Controversy

  No one was ever convicted for Tupac’s murder. His entourage who witnessed the murder wouldn’t talk, and despite the presence of other cars and people on the animated Las Vegas street, no one saw a thing. Or at least wouldn’t admit it.

  So who killed Tupac? He and his entourage had got into a scuffle with a Crips gang member outside the MGM hotel earlier that night. Was it gang retaliation? Others speculate that Suge Knight was the real target or that Suge himself arranged for Tupac’s murder. Still others claim that Biggie Smalls, the Notorious B.I.G., had given the order to take out Shakur.

  Is He Still Alive?

  Shakur had got through the critical post-surgery time period, and his health was supposedly improving. Definitely questionable …

  He was pronounced dead on Friday the 13th. A bit suspect …

  He supposedly always wore a bullet-proof vest, but he wasn’t wearing one that night. Hmmm …

  No one was ever convicted for the murder, and the elusive white Cadillac containing the supposed assailants was never found.

  Biggie Smalls ended up being murdered in a bizarrely similar fashion on 9 March 1997. And, surprise, surprise … his killer was also never found.

  Tupac had confessed shortly before his death that he wanted to leave the gangsta rap world … was faking his own death the only way out?

  Our conclusion: in a two-year period, Tupac had been hit by a total of 9 bullets … a lot to live through even for a 25-year-old. Plus his astrological sign was Gemini. If he were still alive, there’s no way he could have kept this quiet for this long. We think Tupac has been in negotiations with the big guy upstairs to improve angel-saint relations and to stop the ban on playing the harp after 10 pm.

  Killer Animals with a Napoleonic Complex

  ‘Oh my God, they killed Kenny!’ ‘You bastards!’

  Stan and Kyle in South Park

  So, yes, we all know that lions and tigers and bears are dangerous. But how about the animals that are slightly smaller on the killer food chain? It’s time we took a moment to acknowledge the power of the tiny terrors of our world.

  Killer Bees

  All right, so a bee isn’t like a great white emerging in all his glory from the crest of the wave you’re riding. And we’ll readily admit that the media hype surrounding this fuzzy insect was ridiculous. But killer bees do exist, and we’re impressed with their tempers. A Brazilian geneticist transported them from Africa to Southern Brazil in 1957. Everything was fine until – oops! – 26 African Queen bees and swarms of European worker bees escaped from their scientific captivity. They entered the US in 1990.

  THE PROBLEM: KILLER BEES

  THE SOLUTION: KILLER BATS

  KILLER FACTS

  They can sense danger 50 feet away from their nest.

  They’ll chase you for up to half a mile if they’re annoyed.

  And if you really piss one off, he’ll call his friends into a psychotic swarm.

  In Arizona, an 88-year-old woman died after receiving more than 1,000 bee stings.

  But before you call in the National Guard, the death toll in general isn’t high for humans attacked by killer bees – approximately 1,000 people since their African departure. But cattle have had it much worse. Their estimated death toll is over 100,000.

  Irukandji Jellyfish

  All right, just because you can’t pronounce the name doesn’t mean it’s not dangerous. If it helps, the Irukandji is related to the ‘box’ jellyfish.

  KILLER FACTS

  This jellyfish is tiny – about 1 inch (2.5 cm) long – with tentacles that can get up to a metre long, but it packs a deadly punch. If you get stung, you’ll be harpooned with its venom … at a speed of 40,000 times the force of gravity!

  But the minor sting is nothing compared to what happens after you’re infected with Irukandji venom. About 30 minutes post-sting, you’ll be riddled with extreme lower back pain, excessive vomiting (it can be as frequent as every minute or two minutes for up to 12 hours), full body cramps, a ridiculous amount of sweating, breathing difficulties and probably the most unsettling symptom which is an ‘impending sense of doom’ where you’re sure you will die. Usual cause of death is a stroke, but one sting isn’t necessarily fatal.

  At the time of publication, no anti-venom has been discovered.

  It is difficult to estimate the number of people who have died from what is known as ‘Irukandji Syndrome’ since the effects of the jellyfish have only recently been studied. There have been approximately 70 deaths caused by box jellyfish in Australia, but that number doesn’t include the deaths that could have been incorrectly attributed to other causes.

  Unlike other jellyfish, the Irukandji are not only found in coastal waters but live inland too.

  Wait, we have worse news. It was always thought that the Irukandji were only in the tropical waters of Northern Australia, but that was proven incorrect when marine biologists found some off the coast of Fraser Island, much further south. Watch out … these suckers may be heading your way.

  Puffer Fish

  Otherwise known as the ‘blowfish’, the puffer is nothing short of impressive. They can consume large quantities of water and ‘puff’ themselves up to prevent consumption by predators. Not that any predator would want to eat them…

  KILLER FACTS

  They can be as tiny as 1 inch (2.5 cm) long but the big guys can grow up to two or three feet in length.

  Their poison is called tetrodotoxin. It is around 1,200 times more powerful than cyanide and is lethal to humans and many fish. And besides the whole thing about the poison killing you, the stuff tastes awful too.

  The amount of tetrodotoxin in some puffer fish is enough to kill 30 people, and guess what? There is no known antidote.

  The poison affects your nerves and can stop your lungs from working. Some of the first indications you’ve been hit include a tingling feeling in your mouth and tongue. Eventually you can’t move or speak, and you finally go into respiratory arrest.

  How much time do you have? Well, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but death can occur within minutes or hours. But … if you manage to survive the first 24 hours, you’re likely to recover.

  Be aware if you order ‘fugu’ in Japan. Puffer fish are considered a delicacy, and only specially licensed chefs are allowed to prepare them as they know the precise method of cutting the fugu. And if you survive the dining experience, you’ll still have to pay the bill which could be upwards of $200 per fish!

  It’s unclear the exact number of deaths from puffer fish poisoning, but it’s estimated at approximately 50 to 100 per year.

  Poison Dart Frog

  You’ve probably seen pictures of these little guys. They’re the ‘cute’ frogs, sporting colours like bright red, blue, yellow, green and gold. But don’t let their cute appearance fool you, these tiny terrors can kill you faster than you can say Kermit…

  KILLER FACTS

  They got their name because indigenous tribes would use the lethal venom of the amphibians to poison their darts before going out on a hunt.

  Their average size is about 1 inch (2.5 cm).

  There are over 100 species of poison dart frogs, but only around three are deadly to humans. The golden poison dart frog, for example, has enough toxic venom in its little body to kill off 10 men.

  Batrachotoxin is the poison that’ll get you. In some poison dart frogs, the type of batrachotoxin is so volatile that 1/100,000 of an ounce could be enough to fit you for an early coffin.

  It’s incredibly unlikely you’ll run into one of these guys. They can be found in the rainforests of Central and Southern America, and they are an endangered species.

  Brain-Eating Amoeba

  When we started hearing about the ‘brain-eating amoeba’, we th
ought they sounded like characters from a bad 1970s comic book. Amoeba that can crawl into your nose, travel upward to the brain and then eat your brain cells until you die?

  Well, actually, yes. Incidents with the amoeba, or Naegleria fowleri, are very rare, but their numbers have been creeping up.

  KILLER FACTS

  They can be found in very warm waters – lakes, hot springs … even a bacteria-ridden swimming pool isn’t immune.

  The killer amoeba can enter the victim through his or her nose and slowly make its way to the brain. Once in the brain, it feeds off brain cells and tissues, eventually killing the victim.

  The initial symptoms aren’t particularly helpful in identifying the culprit either – they include bad headaches, fevers and a stiff neck. When the amoeba has had a little time to do its work though, the victim could hallucinate or display sudden changes in behaviour.