The Pocket Book of Death Read online

  The wood was lit, and if it caught fire then they believed there would be fire throughout the lands for the next 52 years.

  ‘I HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD LAWYER … THAT WASN’T EVEN CLOSE TO MY APPENDIX!’

  In 2001, there were 700 reported ‘dowry deaths’ in India. Even though dowry payments have been illegal since the 1961 Anti-Dowry Act, it is rare that the law is upheld. If a bride’s family does not make a timely dowry payment or cannot pay it, the groom’s family will often torture or kill the bride by burning her alive. And what’s even more unsettling is the fact that the actual number of dowry deaths is more likely to be around 5,000 per year since so many go unreported.

  The Jivaro Tribal Recipe for Head-Shrinking

  A South American Treat!

  Time needed: approximately 1 week

  Materials needed: knife, boiling water, fibre, 3 chonta palm pins, heated sand and stones, charcoal, and string (optional)

  When decapitating your enemy, be sure to cut below the neck including some skin from the chest and back. Perform this procedure as quickly as possible or risk having the same thing done to you.

  Cut a slit that runs from the neck up to the back of the head. This will make removing the skull much easier. Remove the skull.

  Using fibre, sew the eyes closed.

  Put the head into a pot of boiling water. Do not use any herbs. Boil for 30 minutes, stirring occasionally. Be sure and watch your head carefully – overcooking can result in losing precious strands of hair!

  After boiling, remove the head carefully. There should be a rubbery consistency to your head, and if done properly, it should be about 50 per cent of its original size.

  Remove any residual flesh from inside the head. Scraping might be necessary.

  Sew back the slit that you made in Step 2.

  Fill your head with heated stones and sand to further the shrinking process. Remove after they’ve been cooled. Repeat this step several times during the week.

  Continually knead the skin to prevent wrinkling.

  Use charcoal to blacken the skin which will not only give your head that nice coloring but will also prevent your enemy’s spirit from escaping.

  After drying the lips with a heated blade, insert three chona palm pins to close them.

  If you performed this procedure correctly, you should have your very own fist-sized shrunken head! Feel free to insert a hole at the top of your masterpiece to wear as a necklace.

  ‘CRAP! I WAS SUPPOSED TO USE SOMEONE ELSE’S HEAD?’

  The Science of Death

  ‘Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.’

  Homer Simpson

  So You’re Dead … Now What?

  A Body’s Tale

  Well, first off – brrrr – it’s gonna get cold. Although if you had been overly fond of all those yummy carbs, then your lucky body will keep toasty for a little longer. That’s right, the bigger you are the longer it’ll take to cool down.

  Next you’re gonna get hard, and not in a good way! Yep, rigor mortis is next in line. All the muscles stiffen and, for a while anyway, ain’t nothin’ gonna move you.

  A bit of decoration is in order now – we can’t have your body staying that same boring color! Gravity kicks in, and the blood will settle and pool in the lowest parts of your body that aren’t touching a hard surface … giving you some lovely purplish spots that look like bruises. This will all happen within 12 hours after you’ve kicked it.

  After a couple of days, the fun really starts. You’ve cooled down, dressed up and it’s time for a party. Don’t worry, we know some fabulous little bugs that would just love to have you for dinner.

  Fly larvae or maggots are what chomp away the most, getting rid of all that unnecessary tissue. Beetles and other bugs will join in later for dessert.

  The bacteria get right on in there – they are, after all, the life and soul of this party – breaking down your blood and turning your abdomen a very attractive shade of green. And who needs collagen when bacteria can plump up those veins of yours?

  We can’t lie … after this, life for a corpse just isn’t all that great. If your body is exposed to the elements, deterioration is influenced by many different factors including climate, weight, and even the clothing you were wearing when you died. Here’s a rough guide to figuring out which elements will get you the quickest:

  If you’re exposed to air – 1 week

  If you’re underwater – 2 weeks

  If you’re underground – 8 weeks

  There is going to be general bloating and disintegration, your skin starts to fall off, decaying tissue produces nasty-smelling gas, and bloody fluids ooze out of your mouth and nose. Just trust us, your friends will not want to know you anymore.

  Hungry Much?

  Fear not – your dead body could be put to more useful purposes. Cannibalism is not technically against the law in most of the United States – your body could be used to provide a nutritious meal for your nearest and dearest. Providing your nearest and dearest didn’t kill you to get said nutritious meal, of course.

  Alternatives to Exposure

  A Body’s Choice

  Or if you fancy something a bit more exotic (and toxic) for your body after death, you could try the exciting world of embalming! Many techniques have been used throughout history. Egyptian royalty got the best treatment of all. Their vital organs were removed, cleaned in Palm wine and placed in herb-filled jars. The body cavities were then packed with resins and perfumes.

  Or you could be pickled in vinegar, wine, or perhaps something stronger. Lord Nelson, the famous British Admiral, was preserved in a cask of brandy. At the time, rumours abounded that one dead Admiral was not going to stop the men on board from dipping into the brandy stash, hence the term tapping the admiral.

  For the thoroughly modern girl or guy though, the blood is drained from the body and a solution – usually a mixture of formaldehyde and water – is injected in the body to replace it. How long does it take? Time can vary, but embalming is approximately a three-hour process.

  Smoke ’Em if You Got ’Em

  It became increasingly popular in the 1990s to smoke marijuana and tobacco cigarettes which had been dipped in embalming fluid (which people believed gave them an additional high), and several funeral homes in the U.S. reported theft of their stashes. Some women have also been known to try and buy embalming fluid, but for a very different reason. They thought the formaldehyde would strengthen their nails.

  Or if having your body pumped with toxic chemicals isn’t appealing, you could get lucky and have a kindly professor try and bring you back to life. In January 1803, a real life Dr Frankenstein – Professer Alkini – attempted to bring a corpse back to life in Britain. He wired him up and successfully made the corpse grind its jaw, open one eye, clench its right hand and wave its legs around. Rather unfortunately, this had the unwelcome side effect of killing an observer from the Surgeon’s Company, who after watching what happened, died of fright!

  How Deadly Is It?

  How effective is the guillotine? Can one dose of arsenic really score you a date with the Reaper? Use the skull icons below to figure out just how deadly some things really are.

  Mildly annoying

  Just plain rude

  Touch and go

  You’re pretty much a goner

  Coffin or urn?

  Arsenic

  Not quite as deadly as you have been led to believe: two grains is recorded as the smallest fatal dose. However, it has also been reported that a woman attempting suicide took over 230 grams and ‘felt no more than quite uncomfortable for three days.’

  You may also have been misled by numerous detective stories. Arsenic is almost indissoluble in cold water. Hot water can dissolve around 100 times more but when it cools about 80 per cent precipitates as a visible sediment and curdles any milk. Basically it means you can’t hide arsenic in your boss’s latte! Yeah, we were upset too.

  ‘THIS POISON
TASTES OFF.’

  The Guillotine

  Is It Really the Final Chop?

  Charlotte Corday assassinated the political journalist Jean Paul Marat in 1793 during the French Revolution. Just after her head was guillotined off, it was reportedly shown to the crowd by the executioner. He slapped her on one cheek and then to the amazement and horror of the crowd she blushed in both cheeks. Could it be that she was still alive?

  In 1905, the murderer Languille was guillotined, and for several seconds afterwards his eyelids and lips fluttered. A doctor, who was present, shouted his name, and the disembodied head opened its eyes and looked round for a few seconds before closing them again. The good doctor repeated his actions with the same results once more. Alas after this final time, the head of Languille could no longer be roused.

  THE GALLOWTINE REVOLUTIONIZING THE REVOLUTION SINCE 1792

  Decapitation does not result in immediate brain death, it just cuts off the blood supply. In fact, it takes over three minutes for the brain to finally give up.

  Poisoning with Alcohol, Anti-freeze, Turpentine, Wood Alcohol and Rat Poison

  Sandwiches of Sardines and Tin Tacks

  Being Run Over by a Taxi

  Being Stripped, Soaked in Water and Left While the Ice Started to Form

  Believe it or not, in 1932 all this was done to Mike Molloy, whose life had been insured by a criminal gang in New York. He survived all of it to the continual annoyance and embarrassment of the gang, until they eventually finished him off by putting a rubber tube down his throat and gassing him with carbon monoxide.

  Crime Scene Investigation – How Do They Know?

  First Check the Blood Stains

  The pattern of blood around a corpse can tell specially trained investigators loads of things about a person’s death like whether the victim was running, walking, or standing still when they died. It can also indicate how a wound was made and the type of weapon used, as well as whether or not the body was moved.

  There are six recognized types of bloodstains classified by pathologist John Glaister in the 1930s:

  Drops: these neat little babies form on a flat surface.

  Splashes: think Die Hard, Texas Chainsaw Massacre … a lot of cringe-worthy blood flying through the air.

  Pools: if the poor victim is dragged about after the wound has been inflicted, the pools of blood will tell you where they went.

  Spurts: again, good news for the horror fans, these indicate a major vein or artery was hit.

  Smears: another indication the body was moved.

  Trails: either in the form of pools or smears – they’ll lead you to the corpse.

  The Case of Graham Backhouse

  This notorious womanizer was found at his home in England in 1984 with vicious slashes on his face and torso, the body of a neighbour lying dead nearby. Backhouse admitted to shooting his neighbour in self-defence. The terrible injuries he suffered seemed to corroborate his story.

  What was the problem? None of Backhouse’s blood was found on the gun or near the body, and the pattern of bloodstains indicated that Backhouse had been standing still or only moving very slowly when he was injured.

  Conclusion: The devilish Backhouse shot his neighbour in cold blood and then inflicted the wounds on himself after the deed was done to make it look like self-defense. Partly because of the blood stain evidence, he was found guilty of murder.

  Next Check the Eyes

  An increase in blood pressure from asphyxia causes haemorrhages in the eyes. So if someone has been strangled, they will have lots of tiny red dots on their eyelids.

  Also take a look at the pupils – insulin causes pupils to dilate, and morphine will make them contract. Although some of the more wily murderers have been known to give their victim morphine and then inject them with insulin to cover their tracks – crafty devils!

  Playing the Organs

  The Stomach

  The food left in the stomach can be remarkably helpful in determining the time of death. Generally food stays in the stomach for a couple of hours after it has been eaten. A very large meal can remain for an additional hour, and if it’s particularly creamy, even longer. Fettucini al fredo, anyone?

  The Lungs

  One of the clues you are looking for here are some very handy things called diatoms. These are microscopic algae that live in the sea and unpolluted waters. If someone who is already dead is moved into the water, the diatoms and the water will only flood into the lungs and air passages but no further.

  ‘I’D SAY HE DIED AROUND LUNCHTIME.’

  However, if the victim actually drowned in the water, the diatoms and water will be drawn into the bloodstream, pumped to the heart, and then distributed throughout the body.

  Where Poisons Hide in Your Body

  Inorganic poisons made from minerals (think cyanide, mercury, or lead) can be found in the liver and kidneys.

  If solvents such as chloroform are what you’re after, try scoping out the brain. But if strychnine’s your poison, then you’ll need to be looking in the blood.

  Cadaveric spasm – a muscular ‘stiffening’ which occurs at the moment of death – is often characterized by a victim’s fingers clenching whatever it is they were holding on to when they died. It is a form of rigor mortis but is not actually rigor mortis, which takes place several hours after death. No one knows why the cadaveric spasm occurs, but it tends to happen more with violent or stressful deaths marked with intense emotion.

  You already know about rigor mortis, but have you heard of algor mortis? It’s the ‘death chill’, or the drop in body temperature after death. It’s one of the primary ways to determine when someone died. Interpreting algor mortis isn’t always an exact science since there are lots of things which can affect body temperature, but it can be a general indicator.

  Bodies underwater decompose four times faster than when under the ground. And if you’re in a river as polluted as the Williamette in Oregon or the East River in NY (where Kramer took his famous dip in Seinfeld), you’ll rot even faster.

  And speaking of the hazards of water, did you know that you can die by drinking too much? Water intoxication is unusual, but if you consume a large quantity and don’t relieve yourself (as little as several litres in a short period of time could be enough), the brain could swell from the altered salt levels in your body. You’ll likely get a headache and appear confused. If left untreated, the swelling could shut down your breathing functions.

  ‘Hold Your Wee for a Wii’

  A 28-year old woman was just trying to win a gaming system for her family. In January 2007, a morning radio show in California held a contest where contestants competed against each other to see who could drink the most water without going to the bathroom. The winner would receive a Wii, a Nintendo game console. The woman reportedly drank up to two gallons of water, coming in second place in the contest. She complained about being in a lot of pain and was later found dead in her Sacramento home, a victim of water intoxication. The worst part? A listener had called into the live radio show and tried to warn the DJs about the dangers of drinking too much water. The warnings went unheeded, and the disc jockeys even joked that they were covered since the contestants had signed releases. A wrongful death lawsuit was later filed.

  Unexpected Death Rituals

  ‘In time you’ll drop dead and I’ll come to your funeral in a red dress!’

  Loretta Castorini in Moonstruck

  Feng Shui?

  Turns out position and alignment aren’t only important when figuring out the position of the sofa in your living room. The Chinese have used a compass and the principles of feng shui to bury their dead for thousands of years.

  Funeral Fashion

  In China, family members wear white to a funeral.

  Orthodox Jews will tear a piece of their clothing if a loved one dies. If a parent has passed, the tear is made on the left-hand side, over their heart.

  Queen Victoria wins the prize for the longest mourning pe
riod ever. When Prince Albert died of typhoid in 1861, she went into mourning, wearing black for over 40 years!

  Uncomfortable Burials

  Zoroastrians would leave the corpses of their dead outdoors in so-called ‘towers of silence’ so the vultures could pick away all that pesky flesh.

  Though underground burial was the most popular practice, some Native American tribes buried their dead on hilltops or in trees. Other tribes buried their corpses in caves so they ‘mummified’ in the dry air.

  In Ancient Rome, women were often hired to wail at funeral processions.

  Celebrating Death

  El Dia de los Muertos

  The Day of the Dead, a 48-hour party honoring dead ancestry, has been a tradition for thousands of years in Mexico and was handed down from the Mayans, Aztecs, and other indigenous cultures. Traditions vary depending on the region, but generally families clean the tombstones of their friends and family, pray, make offerings of incense, candles, orange marigolds, and pan de muerto (‘bread of the dead’), an egg bread shaped to resemble bone. Sugar skulls are another sweet favorite of the holiday. The costumes, the dancing, the eating, and inevitably, the rampant drinking of tequila continues for two days, usually on 1 November and 2 November.

  ‘THIS PARTY’S DEAD.’

  Frozen Dead Guy Days Festival