The Pocket Book of Death Page 4

It’s got to be worth going to Nederland, Colorado every year in March for the name of this festival alone. When his grandfather, Bredo Morstoel died in Norway, Trygve Bauge decided against a traditional burial. Instead, Bauge shipped Grandpa to Colorado and stored him in a freezer next to a half-eaten birthday cake. He hoped one day the miracle of cryogenics would work its magic, and they could successfully restore dear old gramps. The town of Nederland was horrified when they learned of the chilly corpse in their backyard, but the press brought so much tourism to the tiny mining town that they have learned to embrace Grandpa Bredo. Every March, Nederland celebrates the Frozen Dead Guy Days Festival. It comes complete with coffin races, a Grandpa look-alike competition and a champagne tour of the infamous shed. And what would a dead guy festival be without Frozen Dead Guy ice cream with gummy worms? If you can’t make it to Colorado for the festivities, just rent the movie, Grandpa’s in the Tuff Shed. We wish we were kidding.

  Obon Season

  More commonly known as the ‘Floating Lanterns Festival’, Obon is the Japanese festival of the dead and takes place in July or August. The living will welcome their ancestral spirits back to their homes and offer them food, flowers, incense, and … dancing? Yep, a highlight of Obon is folk dancing: the beat of the taiko drum, the circular dances, the crowds. After the dead have been properly ‘fed’, the living cast illuminated lanterns on the rivers to ‘release’ the souls of the dearly departed so they can return to wherever they were hanging out before the celebration.

  Cremation’s Hot History

  To Burn or Not to Burn?

  Cremation is most popular in Japan where approximately 99% of the population opts for this type of burial. England’s cremation numbers are also increasing. About 73% choose the urn over the box.

  Italy has a strikingly low number of cremations every year … only about 8%. The Roman Catholic Church only legalized cremation for its members in 1963. But there’s a catch – you can’t scatter the ashes. They must be buried properly.

  About 38% of the U.S. population was cremated in 2005, but that number has been increasing. It was only 26% in 2000.

  It is illegal to be cremated if you are an Orthodox Jew or a Muslim, but it’s mandatory if you are an adult Hindu.

  Models of the world will be thrilled to know that when you’re cremated, the ashes only weigh between 4% and 6% of your original body weight.

  Human remains are comprise only 10 per cent combustible solids (tissue and fat) and 5 per cent non-combustible solids (bone fragments which remain after the cremation is over). The other 85 per cent? Moisture, which is released from the tissues during the cremation process.

  You can legally transport the ashes of a deceased person into the United States in a non-metallic urn and with all the proper documentation. Customs has just one more rule about cremains … they’ve got to be in your hand-luggage.

  But if you’d rather bring your laptop on board instead of your Aunt Mildred, then you can ship the cremains. According to the US Postal Service, cremated remains cannot be sent via overnight express, regular mail, or certified mail. It’s registered mail that you need here. Oh, and be sure and ask for the return receipt.

  Feel like going out with a bang? Don’t tell anyone you have a pacemaker and request to be cremated. The lithium batteries will cause a sizeable explosion in the flames.

  All Aboard!

  Before you decide to fulfil Grandpa’s wish of being scattered at sea, you’d better check the laws in your area to make sure it’s legal. Some laws state you must be at least three miles from the shoreline and in water that is at least 600 feet deep. In San Diego County, you only need to be 500 yards from shore, but you can’t make the ‘deposit’ in a lake or stream.

  Though let’s face it, we haven’t seen scads of Federal Marshals or EPA agents along the shores waiting to arrest the next grieving family that decides to have a memorial ash scattering service. Who would write a ticket for something like that?

  Notable Celebs Who Rest at Sea

  Ingrid Bergman

  Janis Joplin

  L. Ron Hubbard

  Vincent Price

  Ashes to Ashes?

  Not everyone keeps the ashes of their deceased in an urn on the mantelpiece. If there’s one thing about the human race, it’s their ingenuity…

  A Diamond in the Rough

  Think your husband or mother was a real gem? Now you can make sure they stay that way … even after their death. A growing business is turning the ashes of your loved ones into diamonds. You only need a lock of hair or about 8 oz of the ashes from the deceased to fashion your dearly departed. Oh, and anywhere from $3,000 to $25,000 of course.

  The carbon from the hair or ashes is purified and then converted into graphite under extremely high temperatures. The graphite is then put into a ‘diamond press’ which essentially uses a combination of heat and pressure to create a genuine rough diamond. After a quick cut and polish, voilà, your favorite Uncle George can continue to dazzle you every day!

  Don’t think humans are worth a diamond? Rest assured – you can have your dog or cat immortalized in the same way.

  The Ash Dive

  If you’re the adventuring type and can think of nothing worse than being boxed up six feet underground for eternity, then request a memorial ash dive. Friends or family can leap off a plane and scatter your ashes for your last great adrenaline rush. Well, if you actually still had adrenaline.

  ‘Beam Me Up, Scotty’

  Gene Roddenberry, creator of Star Trek, and James Doohan, Star Trek’s ‘Scotty’, both had their ashes launched into space. To explore the final frontier, a portion of your remains are sealed in a container (that disturbingly resembles a tube of lipstick) before they’re launched into the great beyond. Choose an orbit around earth, the lunar package, or a trip to deep space. The best part? The video of your intergalactic debut that comes free with purchase.

  An Explosive Ending

  Some people have even had their ashes mixed with fireworks for a true grand finale. Friends and family organized this for notable writer and journalist Hunter S. Thompson after he committed suicide in 2005. Over 200 people watched the multi-coloured spectacle as it lit up the sky near Thompson’s Colorado home.

  Lasting Lead

  A Canadian company offers a service that will incorporate the ashes of your loved one into a pencil. The remains are mixed into the graphite, and the pencil is then used to draw a portrait of the deceased.

  Inky Immortality

  Comic book writer Mark Gruenwald’s ashes were mixed with the ink used to reprint a collection of his Squadron Supreme comic series published by Marvel®. We actually couldn’t believe this one until we checked in with a comic book friend. And yup, not only is it true, but our friend has his own personal copy of the immortal edition.

  ‘MY NOSE WASN’T THIS BIG!’

  Sleeping with the Fishes

  Whether you have a fondness for The Sopranos or just want to help the environment, you can have your ashes mixed into an artificial reef for a very aquatic afterlife. The concrete ‘reef balls’ were originally designed to bolster underwater ecosystems before Eternal Reef, Inc. came up with the idea to let people mix their loved one’s ashes with the concrete. Just a few short months after the reef balls are lowered into the ocean, they are usually teeming with fish and other sea life. The beehive-shaped memorial reef will have a plaque with your name on it, and friends and family can even write messages or leave handprints in the wet cement for you.

  When asked to pen her epitaph, famed writer Dorothy Parker wrote, ‘Please excuse my dust.’ Parker’s ashes actually sat in a filing cabinet for 15 years before they were finally buried in Baltimore. ‘Please excuse my dust’ did indeed make it onto the memorial plaque though.

  Touchdown!

  In Philadelphia, a man was arrested after running onto the field during a Philadelphia Eagles game against the Green Bay Packers. As he ran at top speed, a dusty cloud followed him which was later reveal
ed as the ashes of his dead mother. She had always been an Eagles fan.

  Tied Up Like Tut!

  Mummies aren’t just for Egyptians. If you’re looking for a long-term preservation plan to diversify your death portfolio, a Salt Lake city-based company called Summum offers what they call ‘modern mummification’. Here’s the deal – after your body is cleansed (including your organs), you’re pretty much sealed in several layers of cotton, polyurethane, fiberglass, and resin. Then you’re placed in a 3-D bronze or stainless steel ‘mummiform’ that will be filled with more resin. And then … just in case there is even the slightest possibility of a drop of air getting in, the mummiform is ‘welded’ shut. Sound interesting? Hold on to your hat – the average going price of mummification is $67,000. You’d better make sure your regular portfolio is diversified first.

  “Eternity for Mummies”

  The Chilly Truth about Cryonics

  Even if you found the ‘unfreezing’ process of Austin Powers downright laughable, there are at least a few people who take cryonics very seriously. The Alcor Life Extension Foundation is the largest cryonics facility in the world. Their goal is to preserve human life so that it can be treated by future breakthroughs in medicine. Contrary to popular belief, Alcor believes that freezing the entire body is an ‘inferior’ process. Instead, they preserve your brain by replacing 60 per cent of the water in your cells with protective chemicals. Then your head goes to a deep cooling stage where molecular activity stops. So – technically – you’re not frozen.

  You’re probably thinking the same thing we were. If they only preserve your brain, how can you be brought back later on? Cryonics pretty much banks on regeneration, or the brain’s ability to ‘regrow’ a new body. Future breakthroughs in nanotechnology might also help with your missing appendages.

  Despite all the media attention since its inception, very few people have actually been frozen – er, sorry … cooled. As of July 2007, Alcor has had 76 cryopatients. Not a startling number considering the company has been in existence for over thirty years. The cost probably doesn’t help.

  So How Much Is It?

  As of October 2007, these are the latest figures on Alcor’s website:

  Whole Body Suspension will set you back $150,000

  Neurosuspension (just your head) will set you back $80,000

  If you’re living in the UK, there’s another $15,000 surcharge. It’s $25,000 for any other country outside the UK, the US, and Canada.

  There is also a $20,000 life membership fee as well as standby charges to take into consideration.

  The Ted Williams Debate

  Ted Williams, the legendary American baseball player nicknamed ‘The Kid’, was cryonically preserved when he died in July 2002. His head was removed from his body, and they were preserved separately in liquid nitrogen. There was a very public family feud as to whether or not Williams wanted to be preserved or wanted to be cremated. His will stated that he wanted to be cremated and have his ashes scattered on the Florida coast, but his son produced a later document signed by Williams stating that he wanted to be cryonically preserved. Williams is still on ice today as is his son who died in 2004. It was speculated that Williams’ head was in a steel can filled with nitrogen, and that his head ‘cracked’ as many as ten times because of the varying temperature fluctuations during transport. Total bill for the Williams’ preservation was a reported $136,000.

  Plastigami?

  If you’re not into cremation or cryonics or being turned into a diamond, you can still immortalize yourself with plastic. Dr Gunther von Hagens, a German anatomist, has invented a process known as ‘plastination’ where, upon your death, your body is drained of all fluids and replaced with a variety of plastics. The plastination process preserves your body and allows a large degree of flexibility. Dr von Hagens has shown plastinated cadavers to millions at his controversial ‘Body Worlds’ exhibit where the corpses can be seen frozen in time – he poses them reclining, running and even playing basketball. Don’t worry about looking like a life-size Barbie® corpse though. The bodies are stripped of skin so you can see the awesome details of human anatomy … even your charcoal lungs if you’ve spent the last half century puffing with the Marlboro Man.

  Long Live Lenin!

  Vladimir Lenin, leader of the Russian Revolution, died on 21 January 1924. So how is it possible that you can still see him today? The demand to view Lenin’s body after he died was so overwhelming that his now-famous embalmers were forced to develop methods for long-term preservation. Their efforts paid off. Today he is kept in a temperature-controlled mausoleum in Moscow’s Red Square. Twice a week his face and hands are cleaned with chemicals, and every 18 months he goes in for the full-body bath. It’s even been rumoured that bits of him have disintegrated over the years and have been replaced with other substances. But despite the sinister origin of body parts, the Lenin Mausoleum is still one of the hottest tourist attractions in Moscow, and millions have seen this macabre ‘miracle’. The fine art of Russian embalming hasn’t gone by the wayside though … it’s just that embalmers today mostly attend to the Russian Mafiosi.

  Random Death

  ‘Any day above ground is a good one.’

  Motto of The National Museum of Funeral History in Austin, Texas

  A Sticky End

  On an oddly warm day in Boston in 1919, the heat caused a gigantic tank of molasses to burst – spilling 14,000 tons of the sticky substance through the streets of Beantown. The force of the molasses was so strong that it tore buildings from their very foundations. Twenty-one people were killed in the sticky flood and 150 were injured.

  And before you ask, we already checked … the Belgian waffle didn’t arrive in the US until 1964.

  St Valentine might be the patron saint of love and the unknowing cause of that loathed holiday marked by nauseating heart-shaped boxes and $5 cards, but take comfort in the fact that he’s also the patron saint of the plague.

  In the Tibetan Book of the Dead, one of the signs warning of an impending death was to dream about red flowers … while you were riding backward on a donkey. Other signs include seeing stars during the day and shivering.

  Paul Winchell died on 24 June 2005. John Fiedler died on 25 June 2005. What else did they have in common besides dying within a day of each other? Paul was the voice of ‘Tigger’ while John was the voice of ‘Piglet’ in Disney’s Winnie-the-Pooh.

  A Drunken Mess

  When a beer tank ruptured in London in 1814, it let loose 3,500 barrels of beer. At least nine people died in the foamy flood, but ah, what a way to go …

  And speaking of alcohol, Jack Daniel, creator of that fine Tennessee whiskey that mixes so well with Coke™, met with a bizarrely unfortunate end. After unsuccessfully trying to open a safe one day, Jack got frustrated and kicked the steel cavity, crushing his toe. His toe became gangrenous, and the blood poisoning eventually killed him.

  In 2004, four elephants in India accidentally electrocuted themselves after crashing into an electric pole. The giant creatures had apparently consumed a large batch of freshly brewed rice beer from a local village and got themselves ferociously drunk before knocking the pole clear to the ground. So much for trying to walk it off.

  ‘(Don’t Fear) the Reaper’ by Blue Oyster Cult was voted the best rock single in 1976 by Rolling Stone magazine, but it really became immortalized on Saturday Night Live in 2000 when Christopher Walken memorably demanded, ‘I gotta have more cowbell, baby!’

  It’s believed that Jerry Garcia came up with the famous band name the Grateful Dead after opening a dictionary and serendipitously landing on this name. What is it? Found in several cultural folktales, the general idea is that the spirit of the dead will grant some kind of reward on the person responsible for his burial.

  Known rather unfortunately as ‘cadaver’ dogs, there are certain canines who can be trained to sniff out decaying flesh. Their olfactory sense is so strong they can often detect a body even if it’s been buried.
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  Titan arum, better known as the ‘corpse flower’, can grow up to around nine feet in height and has a flower that can bloom several feet wide. Sound pretty? Think again. This budding beauty from Indonesia has a smell likened to rotting flesh and attracts the same bugs that feast on your body when you’re dead.

  Madame Tussaud started her wax career by making death masks of people decapitated during the French Revolution. The famous museums bearing her name today of course are better known for their wax models which have an eerie resemblance to their real-life celebrity counterparts.

  Bela Lugosi, best known for his starring role in both the movie and stage production of Bram Stoker’s Dracula, was buried in California wearing his long black Dracula cape.

  A Surpising Look at the Vietnam Memorial

  Several vets visited the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in Washington DC only to discover their names were listed on the Wall as ‘deceased.’ The Vietnam Veterans Memorial Fund acknowledges that there could be as many as 38 people listed on the Wall that are still alive.

  Cancer victims of Agent Orange, suicide victims who suffered from post-traumatic stress, and other ‘hidden casualties’ of Vietnam aren’t on the Memorial Wall since they don’t meet the original guidelines set forth by the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Fund. A memorial plaque (sans names) was dedicated to honour these veterans in 2004.