The Pocket Book of Death Page 2

  1 in 5 chance you’ll eat too many burgers and never get on the treadmill.

  Cancer

  1 in 7 chance you’ll smoke too much, tan to a leathery demise or cop it through bad genes.

  Stroke

  1 in 24 chance that a stroke will get you if you miss out on the cancer.

  Motor Vehicle Accident

  1 in 84 chance some idiot will hit you. Or you’ll be the idiot.

  Falling

  1 in 218 chance you’ll take a fatal spill and cause someone to feel really guilty when their first instinct was to burst out laughing.

  Firearm assault

  1 in 314 chance you’ll go down in a hail of bullets.

  Bicycling Accident

  1 in 4,919 chance you’re not Lance Armstrong.

  Drowning

  1 in 1,008 chance you’ll think the current is ‘not that strong.’

  Air/Space Accident

  1 in 5,051 chance that it’s not a friendly sky.

  Alcohol Poisoning

  1 in 10,048 chance you’ll just take the ‘edge off’ – permanently.

  Lightning

  1 in 62,468 chance you’ll regret saying you wished you had more energy.

  Fireworks Discharge

  1 in 340,733 chance you’ll take off more than a finger with that M80.

  And since no one has yet found a cure for death, you’ve got a 100 per cent chance of dying. You can put money on that one.

  Accidents Happen

  It’s physically impossible to kill yourself by holding your breath. Well, unless you’re under water.

  Oh, and on that note, an average of nine people a day die from drowning in the US.

  There are an estimated 4.4 fatalities per year on amusement rides. The biggest offender? You guessed it – rollercoasters. So much for thrill rides.

  But before you swear off Disneyworld™, you should know that you’re six times more likely to kick it in an elevator or an escalator. Yep, more than 30 people a year die this way, and that doesn’t include the over 17,000 injuries.

  And what about the wonderfully classy world of quad-bikes? Over 7,000 quad-bike-related deaths have been reported between 1982 and 2005.

  ‘YEP, STARVATION. LOOKS LIKE ANOTHER CASE OF SOME KID PUSHING EVERY BUTTON.’

  Don’t Be Blue … Chew!

  For every 100 rushes to the emergency room for choking, there is one death.

  The Heimlich Institute claims that the infamous ‘Heimlich Manoeuvre’ has saved over 50,000 people from choking to death. But don’t think it’s just a people thing. You can use a modified version of the famed procedure on your pets too.

  Eighteen per cent of all choking-related incidents for kids under four were caused by coins.

  The sweeter culprit? Confectionary – which was responsible for 25 per cent of the incidents.

  ‘HE’S CHOKING…DO THE HEIMLICH MANOUEVRE!’

  ‘CAN’T…REACH…AROUND…’

  A Startling Look at Suicide

  On average, one suicide occurred every 16 minutes in 2004 in the US.

  Suicide is the eighth leading cause of death for all US men. Whites, Native Americans, and Alaskan Natives have the highest rates.

  Think suicide rates are higher around the holidays? Think again. In the US, the rates are actually lowest in the winter and highest in the summer.

  Suicide rates are very high among senior citizens. There were over 5,000 Americans over the age of 65 who committed suicide in 2001.

  The male suicide rate is higher in every country except for China.

  In the US males are four times more likely to die from suicide, though females are more likely to attempt it.

  Women who get breast implants are three times as likely to commit suicide as other women in the US. Similar results were found in Sweden, Denmark, and Finland.

  It’s difficult to figure out the actual number of deaths caused by erotic asphyxiation. Many are classified as suicides because the victims’ families are too embarrassed to reveal the details surrounding the death.

  Punishment for suicide during the late Middle Ages was pretty tough – you could be denied a burial, your corpse could be tortured and your remaining possessions taken. Actions could even be taken against your remaining family.

  Suicide – San Francisco Style

  Bridges around the world have a problem with suicides. Maybe it’s the beauty of the water, the romance of the fall, the unlikelihood of survival. It’s just not clear. But the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco is unlike any other bridge. It’s like the Starbucks® of suicide sites. Since 1995, an average of 19 people takes the leap every year. They stopped the ‘official’ count when it reached 997. Two-thirds of the jumpers are men, and more than three-quarters are locals from the Bay area. There has been talk of putting up a ‘suicide barrier,’ but to date nothing has been put into effect. Bridge jumping is far from a graceful demise though. Bodies just aren’t made to fall around 250 feet in four seconds at a staggering 75 miles per hour.

  So, what exactly happens?

  When you actually hit the water, your ribs will usually break. Sounds harmless enough, but the sharp edges of your newly cracked ribs will puncture a variety of internal organs – heart, lungs, spleen … it all depends on exactly how your body hits the water (feet first, side, etc.).

  If you tear your aorta on impact, you’ll be subject to massive internal bleeding.

  Your kidneys are generally ripped or torn on impact.

  You can break your neck and rupture the disks in your neck and back.

  You can break just about everything from your clavicle to your pelvis.

  You’ll either die from drowning or from the impact. Sometimes the impact doesn’t kill you right away though, and you could still be alive when you go underwater. If that’s the case, the internal bleeding from your organs will usually get you. It is estimated that 26 people have survived the Golden Gate jump, but it’s a fatal leap 98 per cent of the time.

  The Complete Manual of Suicide written by Wataru Tsurumi in Japan has sold well over a million copies since its publication in 1993. It details methods for a variety of different suicide options from hanging and electrocution to self-immolation and rates each one for things like effectiveness, pain, and preparations needed.

  According to the manual, the ‘perfect place to die’ is a forest at the base of Mount Fiji called Aokigahara or ‘Sea of Trees.’ Today it’s more commonly called ‘Suicide Forest’ after a record 73 bodies were found hanging in 1998. This record was broken in 2002 with 78 bodies discovered.

  Assisted suicide is a crime in every state except for Oregon. The Death with Dignity Act passed by a slim margin in 1994. A re-vote was taken by the citizens in 1997 after an injunction halted the act. No slim vote the second time around though … the Death Act passed with a 60/40 split.

  Death With Dignity

  What’s the Deal?

  The Death with Dignity Act lets Oregon residents with terminal illnesses end their lives by taking lethal medications prescribed by their doctors. So, what’s the catch? There are a lot of small details, but here are a few of the biggies:

  You have to be 18 years or older.

  You have to be capable of making and expressing a healthcare decision on your own.

  Your terminal illness has to have a six-month mark. So if your doctor gives you a year to live, you won’t qualify.

  You have to be a resident of Oregon.

  Patients must take the medication on their own. It is prescribed by a doctor, but the doctors will not administer it.

  Most patients who have chosen to go this route have received prescriptions for an oral barbiturate from their doctor.

  Who Lives the Longest?

  According to the 2007 life expectancy projections from the CIA, the Japanese live the longest. France, Canada, Australia, Sweden and Switzerland also have citizens that tend to stick around.

  Afghanistan 43

  Australia 80

  Canada 80<
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  China 72

  France 80

  India 68

  Israel 79

  Japan 82

  Kazakhstan 67

  Kenya 55

  Lesotho 39

  Liberia 40

  Madagascar 62

  Mozambique 40

  Nepal 60

  Nicaragua 70

  Niger 63

  Philippines 70

  Russian Federation 65

  Rwanda 48

  Sierra Leone 40

  Somalia 48

  South Africa 42

  Spain 79

  Sweden 80

  Switzerland 80

  Uganda 51

  United Kingdom 78

  United States 78

  Zimbabwe 39

  Did You Know...

  Measles and whooping cough are among the top ten causes of death in Pakistan.

  Poisonings are the third leading cause of death in Russia and Kazakhstan followed by suicide at number four.

  The life expectancy of a baby born in Zimbabwe in 1993 was 61 years. HIV/AIDS has caused that number to plummet to 39 years in 2007.

  Fry ’Em!

  Thirty-eight states in America allow for capital punishment. Most use lethal injection as their primary means of execution, but there are still a few that can’t seem to let go of tradition and have more than one way to do the deed. Kentucky, for example, will administer a lethal injection to anyone who was sentenced after 31 March 1998. If you were lucky enough to get sentenced on 30 March 1998, you get to choose between lethal injection or electrocution. Ah, the freedom of choice!

  Texas has had the most executions by far with a whopping 405. Every other state has fewer than 100 executions with at least 16 states boasting fewer than 10.*

  *since 1976 according to Amnesty International USA.

  Alabama’s electric chair was endearingly known as ‘Yellow Mama’ for its unique color. Built by a convict, Yellow Mama had its first ‘client’ in 1927 and was only recently replaced by lethal injection as the primary means of execution.

  Alabama isn’t the only state to nickname its hot seat. Ohio’s electric chair was called ‘Old Sparky’ before it was taken out of commission in 2002.

  ‘I ONLY GET TO PICK ONE?’

  America is the only western nation to still use capital punishment. Since 1973, more than 120 ‘dead men walking’ have been released after the appearance of new evidence proving their innocence. DNA testing has been extremely useful in identifying the correct culprits.

  Many doctors will not administer the lethal injection to a death row convict since it conflicts with the Hippocratic Oath which forbids them from deliberately harming an individual for someone else’s interests.

  Deadly Words

  ‘They say that guns don’t kill people, people kill people – but I think guns help.’

  Eddie Izzard

  Deadly Words

  Autopsy: from the Greek word autopsia meaning ‘seeing with one’s own eyes’.

  Cadaver: from the Latin cadere meaning ‘to fall’.

  Decimation: from the Latin word decimatio meaning ‘removal of a tenth’. This was a rarely used punishment in Roman times. If a legion did not perform well or failed in some capacity, the punishment was that one tenth of the legion would be beaten to death by their comrades. The victim or victims were random – soldiers would draw lots to choose. Gotta feel bad for the guy with the short straw.

  Euthanasia: from the Greek word euthanasia meaning ‘an easy or happy death’.

  Mausoleum: the word stems from the massive structure where King Mausolus of Caria was buried in the ancient city of Halicarnassus. The Mausoleum of Mausolus (try saying that seven times fast) is one of the original Seven Wonders of the World. It was built to honor the king’s memory by his wife, Artemisia … who also happened to be his sister.

  Megadeath: yeah, we thought it was just the long-haired metal band too. Turns out the name refers to the death of one million persons. It was coined in 1953 when trying to measure the outcomes of nuclear weapon use.

  Parricide: the act of killing a parent or near relative.

  Retort: it’s true this is a witty and contrary response or reply, but did you know that it’s also the chamber in which a cremation takes place? A retort can hold one body at a time, and the temperature is a scalding 1600 degrees F.

  Taphephobia: fear of being buried alive.

  How Many Different Ways Can You Say ‘You’re Dead’?

  There are hundreds of euphemisms for death. You can hang up your hat, give up the ghost, push up the daisies, pass on, kick off, pack it in, check out, keel over, or go under. It’s hard to detect the exact origin of these phrases since they often can be traced back to numerous places, but here are a few possible explanations for the many ways you can meet your maker …

  Bought the farm: one theory about this phrase is that the insurance payout for death in the military service would be enough for a mortgage on a home. So rather than say that a soldier died, they would say he bought the farm. Another explanation? During World War II, US pilots would fantasize about retiring and buying a small farm somewhere to live the rest of their lives in peace. When a pilot didn’t return from his mission or was suspected dead, he was said to have finally bought the farm.

  Catch a packet: in World War I, this meant to be killed or severely injured, usually after being struck by something like shrapnel. By the time World War II rolled around, it had a second meaning … to catch a venereal disease. We’re still trying to figure out which one was worse.

  Croak: this word came to be associated with death because of all the folks on their deathbeds who were unable to clear the mucus in their throats. The unintelligible sound which would often result when they tried to speak sounded like a ‘croak’.

  Hot seat: you might be in the ‘hot seat’ today after accidentally firing off a company-wide email derailing your boss, but if you were in the hot seat during its original inception, you probably wouldn’t make it out alive. It was a term for the electric chair.

  Kick the bucket: the origin of this phrase is unclear. It seems natural to think that it refers to suicide or death by hanging, where a person stands on a bucket, a noose is applied, and then the bucket is kicked from beneath them. So where else could the phrase have come from? Well, when Norfolk pigs were slaughtered, their throats were cut, and they were hung upside down from their heels on a wooden beam commonly known as a ‘bucket’. During the dying process, the pigs would inevitably spasm against the beam or kick the bucket.

  Unsettling Death

  ‘Rule No. 32 … never commit to a relative unless you’re absolutely certain they have a pulse.’

  Jeremy Grey in Wedding Crashers

  The Messy Truth about Hara-Kiri

  This practice was ritual suicide by disembowelment with a sword. Japanese soldiers would sometimes perform this on themselves if they had been defeated in battle or even as a show of support if their Lord had been killed – talk about job loyalty! If a disgraced soldier was sentenced to death there was no common execution for them – they had to perform hara-Kiri. Luckily, compulsory hara-kiri was made illegal in 1873. We’re guessing it was because of the gruesome nature of the act … or maybe because no one wanted to clean it up.

  ‘You clean it up!’

  ‘No way, I did it last time!’

  ‘Flip for it?’

  An Unfortunate Swelling

  The Bubonic Plague earned the name from its sickly symptoms. Characterized by a painful swelling of lymph nodes, it doesn’t sound particularly unsettling until you realize that one of the signs of swelling is in the groin. And if that’s not bad enough, the disease was first transmitted by the fleas on rats. Yikes.

  Necklacing

  This is a murder technique popular in South Africa where a tyre is fitted around the shoulders of the victim before it’s ignited.

  Suttee

  Though it is illegal today, Hindu Indian women used to throw themselves on the fun
eral pyres of their late husbands. Sometimes it was voluntary, but many women were coerced into this ritualistic suicide by their husband’s family.

  Elements of Embalming

  When preparing the body for a funeral, American embalmers will sew the lips of the corpse together using a needle and wire (or thread). This will ensure the mouth of the corpse stays closed during the family viewing. You know, in case he was surprised that he died.

  Embalmers will also often ‘massage’ the arms and legs of the corpse to release that awful tension caused by rigor mortis. Can you go a little higher and to the left? Oh yeah, that’s the spot …

  What to Do with All Those Extra People?

  The Chinese weren’t the only culture to practice infanticide. Native Eskimos also killed their newborn girls.

  Aztec Indians performed daily ritual human sacrifice to appease the gods. There wasn’t just one method either … analysis of the skeletal remains revealed that victims were decapitated, stoned, crushed, pelted with arrows, burned and a host of other unsettling techniques depending on which god they were aiming to impress. The most common ritual sacrifice under Montezuma and other Aztec leaders was to lay the victim down on the sacrificial slab atop of the Aztec pyramid and cut out the victim’s still-beating heart.

  Every 52 years, the Aztecs held the ‘great feast of the dead.’ Again, victims would have their still-beating heart cut out. This time, though, a piece of wood would be put into its place.